The Duffmaster spent this past weekend in New Orleans, and while he was out getting drunk on Bourbon Street and high fiving every Georgia Tech fan he could see, college football was busy duffing it in new and exciting ways. Now that he's returned and nursed his hangover, he can turn his eyes to - oh my gods Big Ten what have you done things are on fire and the toilets are smashed and there are holes everywhere what have you done-
Duff'd It! Rankings, Week 3
5. Vanderbilt. The Commodores Anchored Down for the second straight week forgetting to make sure those anchors weren't tied around their legs. Dr. Bo opened up the Dores for 320 yards through the air and just left his scalpel and everything in there. Vanderbilt did score a last gasp field goal so maybe you'd gloss over their box score while looking for shutouts, but it's hard to overlook gaining only 167 yards of offense. That makes 445 yards and zero touchdowns for their offense over two weeks! Vandy fans, of course, are taking this in stride, and not, like registering firederekmason.com just two weeks into his contract or anything.
4. SMU. The June Jones offensive magic has run out at SMU. The Mustangs were shut out for the first 120 minutes of the 2014 season before scoring a meaningless touchdown in that weird time that occurs after the clock hits 0 but before the game is actually over, a touchdown that narrowed their margin of defeat from 43 points to a wafer-thin in comparison 37. Now, a 43-6 loss to the Mean Green of North Texas might end the careers of lesser coaches, but for June Jones oh wait now he's called it quits now. Fortunately, SMU has a week to rest up and get things right for hahahahah no I'm kidding their next game is at Texas A&M in the Hate Barn and it's on ABC oh gods there is going to be so much blood-
3. Stanford. Against USC, the Cardinal held the ball nine times, got to at least the Trojan 32 every time, and yet only scored twice, because they're innovating new kinds of football in southern California. Football where you don't actually score, but you just imagine how the points feel as you score them. Stanford ended drives in just about every way you could think of: two missed field goals, two fumbles, a failed 4th down conversion at the USC 1, a bad Wildcat snap that went over the receiver's head and lead to a punt, and a punt after a touchdown was called back for an illegal block. Those Stanford kids are going to found some creative new startups over the next few years, and if any of them have to do with football, you should probably stay far away.
2. Texas. The Longhorns were already in a bad spot with David Ash injured and starting center Dominic Espinosa injured. Then Charlie Strong suspended both of his starting tackles. You won't believe what happened next! Actually, what happened next is probably exactly what you were expecting: 258 yards, four turnovers, and just one touchdown. Meanwhile, the Cougar offense victimized the Longhorns repeatedly, scoring four touchdowns in the third quarter and one more in the fourth for good measure. Something tells me Charlie Strong won't be subscribing to BYUzzfeed anytime soon.
1. The Entire Big Ten. My, my, what a large hill of corpses you've made, B1G. There's Michigan, buried 31 feet underground. There's Michigan State, pecked to death by an army of ravaging ducks. There's Ohio State, dead from 7-man blitz force trauma. And over yonder lie the bodies of Purdue and Northwestern, who overdosed on MACtion. They will be missed.
Don't think you've gotten away just because you didn't lose. I see you, Nebraska, just barely beating Southland powerhouse McNeese State. And you too, Iowa, who almost ODed on MACtion as well. Ohhh, and Maryland, just barely beating USF. Still happy with leaving? Hope you are, 'cause those bridges have all been burnt.
RIP, Big Ten's 2015 Playoff hopes. In lieu of flowers, Jim Delaney suggests Papa John's contributions be sent to each member's athletic offices.
Honorable mention: Miami (Ohio). Turns out MACtion is no match for KFCtion. Hopefully the fightin' Colonel Sanderses of Eastern Kentucky cooked you up some tasty fried chicken with some of the money you paid them to beat you in your own home, Red Hawks.
Other honorable mention: Washington State. The Mountain West's dominance over the Pac-12 continues. Wazzu shot themselves in the foot in Reno just to watch themselves die on the field, as Mike Leach's Air Raid gained 103 more yards than Nevada's home grown pistol and still lost by eleven points, thanks to two fumbles and two missed field goals.
ACC Conferences Play of the Week
Shake loose those earthly bonds and fly, football! You're free now, you don't have to do what the quarterback tells you to do anymore! You can let yourself get picked up for a FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN:
God speed, you little ball. God speed.
(Shhh. I know the play was called back. That doesn't make it any less beautiful.)
It's the USC punt return pinball game! This was always one of my favorite pinball machines back in the day. Just bouncing off my own teammates, racking up the points, why I remember -
....this pinball machine always sucked.
Employee of the Month of the Week
Taysom Hill, QB, BYU
The tandem of Baylor quarterback Seth Russell (438 yards and 5 touchdowns on a 16 for 25 passing day) and wide reciever KD Cannon (who caught 6 of those passes for 223 yards and 5 touchdowns) would be shoo-ins for co-EotMotWs, if it weren't for the little fact that it was against little old Northwestern State, which is cheatin', Pawwwwwl. We can't just give these imaginary awards to just anybody.
Which is why we're giving this week's to Taysom Hill! 181 yards on 18 for 28 passing plus 99 yards and 3 touchdowns on the ground with plenty of Longhorn hurdling helped the Cougars demolish Texas with ease.
So congratulations, Taysom! This award was foretold in the Book of Mormon itself, and we've made sure the award does not violate the BYU honor code in any way.