The Duffmaster woke up Sunday morning wondering if Saturday had all been a dream. (Or a drunken hallucination.) It couldn't be true both Mississippi and Mississippi State were top 15 teams and upset Alabama and Texas A&M. Surely nine other ranked teams didn't also fall that same weekend. There's just no way the SEC is starting to cannibalize itself! (Okay, that one is really easy to believe.) And there is absolutely, positively, no freaking way Georgia Tech is still undefeated with wins over Miami and Virginia Tech.
But no! All these things are true. This is 2007 again. Chaos reigns supreme. And it is a wonderful time to be alive for those who believe in Duffing it.
Duff'd It! Rankings, Week 6
5. Wisconsin. "That's not that bad of a loss," you're saying, "Northwestern is now 3-2 and is the outright leader of the Big Ten West." To which I say..... oh, gods, you're right. This isn't chaos, it's a sign of the end times. The world is ending January 12, 2015, when the Wildcats win the national title!
Wait, no, it says here they lost to Northern Illinois in Week 2. Crisis averted, everyone!
4. Tennessee. In college football's equivalent of the bubonic plague outbreak, someone had to be Madagascar, and it wasn't you, Volunteers. Two anemic offenses combined for six turnovers, fewer than five hundred yards of offense, nineteen points, and one touchdown, and by the end of the game you realized you'd coughed up one of your lungs. Fortunately, Florida pulled quarterback Jeff Driskell for Treon Harris and that was enough to stabilize the crowd in Knoxville.
So - for Florida at least - things seem to be looking up and ohhhhhhh no nevermind this is very very bad
3. South Carolina. "Naw, I ain't surprised at how Saturday's game turned out," Steve Spurrier said following the Gamecock's 45-38 loss to Kentucky. "That team we played? Yep, they're still Kentucky, and they beat our ass, 'cause we ain't any good, just like I said. Now if you'll excuse me, my ritual for blowing off post-loss steam calls for six rounds of golf and I'm in the middle of round four."
- Um, Coach Spurrier? Those don't look like golf balls.
"They sure ain't, son."
2. UCLA. Play like you'll never lose that high preseason ranking and it'll catch up to you eventually, Bruins. After flirting with disaster against..... well everyone except Arizona State but including Memphis, UCLA promised they'd be better, that they'd never do it again. And - surprise - they lied! But after letting the Utes take a 30-28 lead with 34 seconds left, the Bruins had one last shot at redemption.....
....and missed it. Twice, because UCLA's kicker flopped like beached sea bass on the first kick, and college football karma is real.
1. Alabama. "Listen up, Nurse Bo. I just.... I don't even have a name for you anymore. You can be a doctor anywhere else, but when you come to Alabama you're just a nurse. And in Alabama nurses ain't allowed to even play football. Nurses can't even throw touchdowns or have other nurses intercept touchdowns. THIS IS BAMA. WE WILL NOT LOSE TO OLE MISS. MAYBE FLORIDA AND UTAH THAT ONE TIME BUT NOT OLE MISS. THIS DYNASTY IS NOT OVER. WE ARE GOING TO RANSACK YOUR CASINOS, CONQUER YOUR STATE AND CONVERT YOUR SCHOOL INTO A TWO YEAR JUNIOR COLLEGE WITH NO FOOTBALL TEAM. KISS MY BUTT. ROLL TIDE!!"
Honorable Mention: Massachusetts. End game strategies are important, Minutemen. Tasked with only needing a field goal to
defeat not blow a 21 point halftime lead against Miami (Ohio), a team that had not won a football game since 2012, all you needed to do was spike the ball once you got down to the Miami 4 yard line and line up for the field goal. Or maybe not, since your kicking game this season is highly suspect this season. But at least spike the ball and take a few seconds to plan your final play of the game! There are three seconds left. That's allowed.
Instead, you did none of these things, and lost to Miami, snapping the nation's longest active losing streak. Can you guess who now has the longest losing streak? That's right - it's you!
Additional Honorable Mention: so many highly ranked teams it's hard to believe, including Oregon, Oklahoma, and Texas A&M, so let's just go with the AP preseason rankings. If this weekend simply replayed itself every weekend forever, I could die happy, because I am on Team Chaos, and this much chaos is so, so much fun.
ACC Conference Plays of the Week
"Unsportsmanlike conduct, late hit out of bounds, on the defense's bench..."
- Umm... wait, I don't think we can call a penalty on a bench....
"Of course we can! There are sideline interference penalties, someone could onto the field from the sideline..."
- Okay, but, that's like, an actual bench. It's just an inanimate object.
"Damn it, man, someone has to keep these benches under control! I'm ejecting this bench from the game!"
Right now there is someone on the internet screaming into his monitor about how we have to stop all these illegal crotch blocks. Once again: cut blocks - legal, chop blocks, illegal, crotch blocks - legal, knife blocks - are kitchenware and have nothing to do with football.
BONUS GIF: This is not a play, but it is possibly the best false start ever. That Nebraska offensive lineman maintains his full composure until about the halfway point of his fall. Graceful. 8.6/10
Employee of the Month of the Week
Connor Halliday, QB, Washington State
Good gods! Halliday finished the day early Sunday morning going 49 for 70 passing, scoring six touchdowns and passing for a new NCAA record 734 yards, which is more than eleven teams have passed for all season. (South Florida edged Halliday out by a measly three yards.) With a performance like that, there's no doubt he was highly rewarded after Wazzu's win against Cal.....
God dang Wazzu Halliday put the whole dang team on his shoulders and carried them for 59:40 can't you give him a dang 19 yard chip shot field goal in the last minute of the game? I don't care if Wazzu lost, did y'all see that shit? Connor Halliday, you get a waiver and receive the first EotMotW award given in a losing effort. Because you so clearly, clearly deserved to win something after Saturday's performance.