Duff'd It! Rankings and other Accolades, Week 9

This week, the College Football Playoff committee released their first ever rankings and - hey, who cares? Let's talk about football. That rare form of football that is played outside of the United States and across the Atlantic Ocean.

This Sunday, I watched the Falcons build a 21 point halftime lead in a real, live NFL football game. They still clung to that lead by a mere two points inside the final two minutes, but most importantly, they still held the ball. There was no way they could lose.

So, of course, they lost. On a last second field goal. That was no good the first time but had to be re-kicked because the Detroit Lions iced themselves with a delay of game penalty. Leave the team in London, Arthur Blank. Let them become the long rumored NFL expansion to Europe. Atlanta will find a new team to occupy the new Atlanta stadium for 2017. Congratulations, Falcons, you have won the NFL Duff'd It! Award for 2014 only halfway through the NFL season, because there is simply no way a team playing football in the National Football League could screw up as sure of a victory as you had on Sunday.

Duff'd It! Rankings, week 9

5. Texas Tech. Would you like to know how many times TCU scored points on Saturday? The answer is fourteen. Ten touchdowns and four field goals. (Gary Patterson would be quoted as saying he was unsatisfied with his team's offensive performance. Someone needs to put him and Paul Johnson in a satisfy-off, immediately.) The Horned Frogs were evidently not expecting to score as much as they did, because before the game was over they had run out of their supply of fireworks for the entire season. After the game, TCU asked if they could keep Texas Tech's hot fire defense around to replace the fireworks. The Red Raiders declined.

4. Virginia Tech. The Hokies still had hope at halftime on Thursday against Miami. Sure, they'd played a horrid half against Miami, being outscored 24-0, punting on all five of their possessions, and gaining all of 26 total yards. But they still had hope, damn it! And then they stomped all over it, fumbling on their first three possessions to open the second half. Meanwhile, Duke Johnson did what Duke Johnson does, running all over everything and racking up 286 total yards and two total touchdowns. The only thing that could stop him was Virginia Tech's bench. Give that bench a scholarship, Coach Beamer!

3. Texas. Did you know Kansas State leads the all-time series versus Texas? It's true! This was the first time the Longhorns were shut out in the series, though. Already making history in your first year, Charlie Strong! You've got a bright future ahead of you. Bill Snyder has been the Wildcats' head coach for nine of those fifteen games, by the way, but he's been around for all of them in some form or another. Yes, even the game from 1913. Don't ask about that one, there's time travel and ritual sacrifice involved.

2. Maryland. Here is how Maryland's offensive drives ended against Nebraska on Saturday: downs, punt, fumble, punt, punt, punt, end of half, punt, punt, fumble, downs, punt, punt, touchdown; all on a sesame-seed bun. The Terrapins gained 73 yards on that final drive that ended in a touchdown, and 102 yards the rest of the game. They were outgained by 352 yards. Unsurprisingly, they lost 52-7. Testudo died on the sideline. It was sad.

1. Ole Miss. MISSING: "Doctor" Bo Wallace, last seen masquerading as a neurosurgeon or whatever medical doctor you want him to be in Baton Rouge. "Doctor" Bo was seen intimidating innocent bystanders all night, before attempting the world's fastest open heart surgery with ten seconds remaining vs LSU. Unfortunately, Wallace nicked the patient's aorta, then decided "screw it, let's cut this thing open!". The patient bled out immediately.

(The heart surgery patient was Ole Miss's national title hopes.)

Honorable Mention: Pittsburgh. For the final 51 minutes of their game against Georgia Tech, the Panthers played dead even against the Yellow Jackets. Unfortunately, the first nine minutes were a neutron star of derptitude, tying the NCAA record for fumbles in a quarter with five. Spilly knows who is to blame for all this: Eve 6, of course. You put the Panthers' tender hearts in a blender and watched spin 'round to a beautiful oblivion, Eve 6.

ACC Conference Plays of the Week

oh gods they're coming what do I do

guys help

uhhhhh

here take this take it now

"lol, thanks for the ball, loser"

Hey there, Arkansas State. Can we talk about something for a minute? I wanna talk about fake punts. There are times and places for fake punts. Maybe you have a lot of momentum. Maybe you were just short of converting that third down. Maybe you're in a no-man's land where you don't want to punt but you realllllllly don't want to kick a field goal either. Above all else, a fake punt should be simple and sneaky. This fake punt was none of those things, and failed, miserably.

Employee of the Month of the Week

Elijah McGuire, RB, Louisiana

If you're not watching Tuesday Night #FUNBELT, you're not collegefootballing enough. Down in Lafayette, Louisiana and Arkansas State were busy burning things to the ground, and Elijah McGuire was the last man standing with a burning branch and laughing maniacally. McGuire rushed for 265 yards and 4 touchdowns on just 19 carries, for an average of 14 yards per carry. (He also caught a pass for all of one yard, because, hey, there just wasn't enough Ragin' in this Cajun. I'm sorry.) So congratulations, Elijah! I know you'll take your EotMotW award and make some awesome gumbo with it, somehow.