From the Rumble Seat had a devil of a time finding a legit Duke baseball fan until Ted stumbled across Carothers P. McDoogal, a sophomore Sociology major at Duke. We e-mailed Carothers a series of questions about Duke and these are the responses that his servant dictated back to us...
FTRS: Duke is batting 0.275 on the season as opposed to Tech batting 0.333. Duke has only hit 10 home runs. Tech has hit 53 dingers. How does Duke hope to keep up with Tech's scoring machine?
Carothers: You see, the object of our baseball team isn't to keep up with this alleged Tech scoring machine rather to outsmart the Yellow Jackets using the critical analysis skills we've developed as sociology majors at Duke University. For your information it takes 90 whole hours to graduate as a Duke sociology major, which leaves plenty of time for classes like doubles tennis, croquet, and massage. We don't lower our admissions standards for athletes like low class schools such as Georgia Tech.
FTRS: Duke is leading the ACC in one stat: batters hit by the pitcher. Is this good plate coaching or bullying by bigger, stronger, faster ACC teams?
Carothers: Students who go to Duke are used to getting hit by things in general, so getting hit by baseballs is only natural for our kids. Some other examples of things Duke students get hit with are: "false" rape charges, punches to the face from almost everyone, poor grades on our sociology tests because we were camping for 6 weeks waiting for the UNC basketball game, and brand new Beamers careening into sidewalks because our fellow Duke students drive like they're still in Jersey.
FTRS: Going off that last answer, if the Duke athletic program is a car and the basketball team is the motor, what is the baseball team?
Carothers: Well, you see we Duke students are too caught up studying liberal arts and medical things to worry about the barbarism of petrol fired autos. Simply put, we don't need to as most of us have a personal chauffeur to drive us from place to place. I actually don't even have a driver's license! We know cars have motors, but beyond that I'll go ahead and say the baseball team is a headlight that doesn't work.
FTRS: Do you know who David Cutcliffe is?
Carothers: About 2 years ago we all heard that name a lot and I know he is associated with a sport known as "football". But since Duke students only follow sports with round balls we never really found out what his role was here. During the Fall, all Duke students do go insane on Saturdays when something called "college football" happens on campus. But since we are all too busy pouring red wine, olive juice, and fresh cut rose petals on each other in what visitors call a "tailgate", none of us have ever learned the true identity of this Cutcliffe character you speak of.
FTRS: Speaking of the Duke's obsession with round balls, why does Duke continually recruit the ugliest basketball players in Division I hoops?
Carothers: I don't know what you're talking about. Kyle Singler is the most impressive sight I've ever seen. He is the love child of Mel Gibson, Brad Pitt, and Tom Cruise all rolled into one. In fact, I sleep with an anatomically correct doll with Kyle Singler's picture glued to the head. Look at that face!
FTRS: If Duke had to change their mascot, what would be an appropriate alternative?
Carothers: Well, this reminds me of story where my former roommate (before he was arrested for tax evasion) T. Bartholomew Hampton, III and I went into the streets of Durham after an extreme Bordeaux binge. We stumbled across several ladies of the night just off of North Campus. We had a grand ol' time, gave the women some 100 dollar bills for their services, and started walking back to campus. These ladies of the night were not satisfied one bit with plain old Benjamin Franklin. They proceeded to beat us silly and revealed themselves to be big burly, former male Duke cheerleaders who still hadn't found jobs with their newly minted sociology degrees. Bartholemew and I escaped their masculine grasps when we offered them stock options in our fathers' companies.
Making a long story short, we'd change our mascot from "Duke Blue Devils" to "Durham Ladies of the Night." A tough, experienced mascot that every good Duke boy knows and loves.
FTRS: Who wins the Tech-Duke series and why?
Carothers: Tech may win this silly baseball game but we don't care because we're in the Final Four again! Ahahah! Basketball is all that matters! Life is terrible! All I want is for my father to respect me! What happened to that innocent child, growing up in Northern Virginia? The worst part...I NEVER LEARNED TO READ! I still have a 3.5 in sociology at Duke!
Thanks to Carothers and his servant for their interesting words about Duke baseball! We will surely be in contact with those two throughout the year. Good luck Tech. Beat the Hell outta em!