The Ultimate Sporting City Debate Final: Detroit vs. Boston

I’m sorry, I was busy reading all of the compelling reasons that Detroit bloggers were giving in favor of the Motor City; I forgot to search deep down in my heart. Let me check…

[Misopogon shrinks to 1/1000th size, goes on a Body Wars adventure, speaks to his inner ventricle]

Misopogon: Oh, ventricle deep down in my inner heart, what say you: is Detroit or Boston the greater sporting city?

Innner Heart: Are you the guy who has been following the Wolverines and Tigers and Red Wings and Pistons and Lions all this time?

Misopogon: Umm…yes?

Innner Heart: Fuck you.

Misopogon: Wait….what? I asked which is the better sporting city?

Innner Heart: Dude, you have no idea, what hell you’ve been putting me through.

Misopogon: I don’t….

Innner Heart: Oh, don’t even start, asshole! I’m trying to pump blood here, pump YOUR blood to YOUR vital organs and extremities, and you’re making that impossible, what with your Wolverines and Tigers experiencing the biggest highs and lows in sports history all within like a year ….omigod STOP DOING THAT!

Misopogon: Doing what?

Innner Heart: I saw that! You were just blogging about what number Mike Modano should wear as a Red Wing. Don’t think I didn’t see that!

Misopogon: Dude, would you just answer the question? Which sporting city do you think…?

Innner Heart: No. I’m not answering your stupid questions. Not so long as you keep telling your body to prepare for a Lions victory so I have to come to full stop every week when you are (gasp) let down once again! Not so long as you keep obsessing about Michigan’s defensive backfield problems, or talking “WAR” values of middle infielders on the trade market, or convincing yourself Joel Zumaya’s arm will rise once again from the grave to hurl 104 mph heaters…

Misopogon: What, like we’re the only sports fans who do this much obsessing? My brother in Boston enjoys Red Sox and Celtics and Patriots and Bruins and sometimes even BC, and that’s not even mentioning that cool Harvard/Yale thing, and his heart’s not killing him.

Innner Heart: That’s because he only pays attention WHEN THEY’RE WINNING, which is like all the time anyway. Ass.

Misopogon: Okay, so according to you, Boston is the better sporting city?

Innner Heart: Whatever, dude. Sure. Boston’s better. Because you Detroit people care WAY TOO MUCH. You have way too many important traditions, way too much history, your highs are too high, your lows are too low, and plus you’re fat, you all smoke, and don’t get me started about the officiating fuck-overs you go through: These are called RISK FACTORS, dick. Boston it’s just about winning and enjoying some quirky traditions and even if you eat a Yawkey Way frank you’re still going to walk it off when you get stoned afterwards and decide to follow those red bricks all over town. And if, say, your Original Six hockey team stops winning for a decade, you don’t start pining over a thug duo, you simply STOP CARING. This is called CARDIOVASCULAR CARE. This is important.

Misopogon: Fine. Thanks for your answer. Anything else?

Innner Heart: Fuck you.

Well, you were right.

it may be the only one they get this year.

for heaven’s sake? I know they are real busy watching the Sox right now but come on. I have real sense of justice about these things. Being a transplanted southerner and all.